I firmly believe that the MysteryLand visions shown to me came from God. At the time I did not. I dismissed it as the drug’s hallucinogenic effects up until the turning point I had at Electric Forest two months later. The visions I saw were so intensely vivid and personal that it took time for my heart to soften and unwrap what was going on.
I believe God was using my self-induced, drugged-up, state of mind at MysteryLand as an opportunity to floor me with the truth, knocking me off my high horse, Paul-in-Damascus style. Like, “Son, I have bigger plans for you!”
The scene at Mysteryland was a point in time where quite literally everyone around me was on some kind of hallucinogenic drug, so if anyone said or did anything bizarre, it was dismissed as “just the drugs.” Anything and everything was fair game. That was as good a time as any for him to show me things not of this earthly world. My reactions to the visions in any other public environment would have been grounds to send me to a mental health hospital.
Following Electric Forest, I still had much healing to do. I met with my Catholic friend who patiently listened to my whole story. I had reconciled with my mother, but I wanted to be fully reconciled to the church for all these sins I had sewn. He took me to confession at his parish to continue the healing process.
I underwent three levels of healing: actions, words, and thoughts.
- The first one I tamed was my actions. I’ve stopped the bad actions that used to plague my life: getting drunk, taking drugs, partying, pornography, sleeping around, stealing, etc.
- I then worked on my words. Being careful not to say hurtful or spiteful words, avoid swearing, and avoiding saying God’s name in vain.
- Lastly is thoughts. It’s all about trying to think in a loving and humble way. To not feel pride in oneself. This has been the slowest to fix, and this is really a lifelong adventure.
Much like my bad habits slowly crept into my life, it too takes time for the good habits to settle in.
I’m not perfect. I still make mistakes. What’s nice is that now when I confess my sins it’s like cleaning out a car with a couple of pieces of trash inside, whereas the initial confession was like cleaning a car with hundreds of pieces of trash… to the point that it was obstructing my view and suffocating me. The volume made it more intimidating to start cleaning the car, and it was only a matter of time before I crashed.
When I have a couple pieces of trash, I really notice them too, and I will feel that pang of guilt when I commit them. Whereas a car full of trash didn’t feel much different when you add a couple more pieces.
Apologizing was the biggest turning point for me to start to move back on the right path. After that, I buried my bad habits and traded in my Saturday night drunken ragers for Sunday mass. I stopped hanging out with friends who weren’t a good influence on me and didn’t seem keen to my new way of life. None of this change has been easy, and some temptations still come and go, but this new path is the right one to be on to become what I’m supposed to be. I won’t trade this new life for a quick dip into my old pools of sin. It’s just not worth it. I’ve been there and I don’t want to go back. They’re all dead ends.
To help cement my path, I wanted to learn more about the destination I was now shooting towards. In my blog, I mention the key resources I used to learn about more about my rediscovered faith following reversion.